Monday Midnight Musings…You are Not Alone or Are You?
There she sat with her back against a concrete wall as a sea of moving bodies wandered aimlessly down the main hallway, their eyes glued to devices cradled in the palms of their cold and pale hands. Her gaze was fixed straight ahead, with no particular focus. It was merely a passive position; she was physically present but absent from the awareness of everyone, yes every one around her.
Someone had asked her about her worries once, but they weren’t interested, not really. The questions were clinical, the reframing was textbook. “You are not alone.” Well, to her, it sure felt like it. What does that really mean – to not be alone? No one really got her; no one understood the pain. And that felt pretty isolating.
She said that you risk it once or maybe twice, hoping someone can help you make sense of it all and find a way to escape. But no one ever gets it. And so she declared: “You really are alone – in your own headspace.”
You look for affirmation of that pain, not petty reassurances that it will get better. "Just push through. There’s light at the end of the tunnel." How many pithy expressions do we have, that are meager attempts at comfort….when the person has tried and tried and nothing changes..and no one seems to get that?
Or, as she said, where are the people who say they are there for you? How many people really care?
And so the mind spins and spins. It wanders… and then , on its own, in its own strength, it makes a feeble attempt to regroup. And if enough energy is found, it just might be enough to push the person to get up and meander to the appointment, the next deadline, the next expectation… But the mind never stops.
So while we can place a label on a list of symptoms and call it depression, and we may even treat it with medication or therapy, it’s still an individual and invisible battle. So you are not alone in the diagnosis, but you are alone in the journey of wanting to be understood.
That’s where the world needs to change.
Today’s song is: Dancing on My Own by Calum Scott. The melody reflects a relentless heartbeat of sadness mixed with inquiry. The words, while they focus on unrequited love, to me speak of having tremendous emotion in the headspace but not being able to do anything about it. It’s feeling so alone - a bystander to other people’s happiness. The final notes are an epic expression of the pain of being alone.